The Mommy Living Room

It's barely 8:30 a.m. and already my house is toast. The little hands that live here somehow manage to destroy nearly every square inch of turf, leaving no survivors in their midst. Books are torn. Carpet smells like ammonia. Paint peels off corners of walls in odd patterns. And the list goes on.

As I survey the bomb site that used to be a room, I brace myself for another day of . . . well, this. Somewhere in the past, my brain used to score points for complex thought. But now,  the only cerebral exercise of the day revolves around questions like, "What can I use to remove that spot?" or "Where can I stash that potted plant this time before the leaves completely disappear?"

But hey, it's good that the rooms in my house get some use. It's the maintenance factor, however, that needs attention. So let's tell those architect designer people exactly what we want. Forget the velvet sofas and fancy glass cabinets. Let's make a living room that children can't destroy. . . too easily. (I actually don't think anything exists which is quite that indestructible.) So here are my own requirements for the perfect living room for Mommy, and subsequently the children:

1. Rubber walls with optional rubber floor. Cushion everything, not just the furniture. Little ones are going to bash into your walls anyway, and sometimes while wielding weaponry. Might as well make it less dangerous. I think an inch or two of thick rubber should do the trick.
2. Sprinkler and drainage system. Clean-up is so over-rated for an already exhausted parent. Cut out the cleaning completely! No more vacuum. No more duster. No more carpet stains. With some adjustable sprinklers either on the ceiling or high up in the corners, you have automatic wash-down every night without once buying a Swiffer. Just let the mess run down a well-placed drain in the floor and enjoy an extra 30 minutes off tonight. Ahhh!
3. Faux collectibles. Let's face it. If you so much as breathe on that Lladro the wrong way, it's going to outlive its warranty. What are your choices? Pack it away until the kids are grown? Okay, but when grandkids start visiting, you'll just have to put it back in a box again. How about a better solution? It's time for knick-knacks and fancy decorations to get a makeover; a plastic one. Someone should start designing the "faux collectible." Cheaply made, but designed to look like the real deal. And you won't be heartbroken when someone uses it for baseball practice.
4. Stow-away furniture. It's a long-shot, I know. But one of my favorite features of our family van is that we can just fold the seats down and plunk them into the floorboards when we want extra car space. Why not do the same for living room furniture? Press a button and watch the couch or end-table  FLIP! under the floor before the commencement of play time. Phrases like, "Stop jumping on that!" and "Put those cushions back!" will be a thing of the past. And cleaning under the cushions might only need attention every few months. 

I'm sure you can think of more. Add to this list if you like! The Ikea catalogue might pay attention and actually offer these features someday. In the meantime, we can certainly dream about the possibilities and reactivate our long-dormant grey matter in the process.